“Kissing Too Many Frogs”

A SPIRITUAL JOURNEY TO SELF-LOVE

A healed woman Empath has the ability to sense other people’s emotions coupled with the ability to imagine what someone might be feeling or thinking. she loves deeply even to her detriment for the sake of saving another soul. she is often mishandled and her kindness is easily mistaken for weakness, but she knows more than she lets on. she finds it hard to relate to others who are not connected to their truth. she is forgiving, but she will walk away lovingly once the inner peace she cultivated for herself is compromised.

If you can picture a woman, me, being physically pushed by a friend, the universe, toward a connection against her will while that friend whispers, you need this to heal…go!! And she’s like,” No, please don’t make do this, ugh.”Well, that’s my love life in a nutshell. I am usually in the middle of things before I know I have begun (a quote from Pride and Prejudice), and then it is too late to get out, as the lesson-learning has commenced. Men have always been drawn to me ever since I was young due to my innate healing energy and empathic nature; I have always had a good rapport with them. I had a lot of male friends then and up until now, but in past romantic relationships, I had a pattern of attracting negative parts of myself in men and this was because of low self-worth, a blocked throat chakra, codependency, a fear of abandonment, operated in my wounded feminine energy, lacked boundaries, wounded inner child, and the list went on. Even with the pure intention of wanting to love and be loved, I was setting myself up for failure from the get-go, but in my defense, it was all part of a grand plan.

So, without further ado, let me introduce to you the frogs who never became my forever prince…and a few “in-betweens” but did not make the cut…

Juvenile Heartbreak

The first boy I encountered who charmed his way to my young heart and then ended up choosing another, his girlfriend. LOL. I didn’t even know how to handle it at the time because I was so young, and to be honest, I was not even fond of him—he liked me more than I liked him. It was my first “WTF” and “walk away” moment; I was 11 years old.

The Good Boy

I met him right before we immigrated to Hawaii. He was sweet, and caring, and I liked him a lot. Sadly, our time was cut short, which broke my little heart into pieces in a good way. We kept in touch for a while and wrote letters. Unfortunately, the connection lost its momentum after I arrived in Honolulu, and to be fair, I was too young to commit myself to a long-distance relationship anyway; there was so much more for me to explore—which now I am thinking perhaps I should have committed (LOL)… Nah, I am just kidding, there is no expansion in settling. He was one of the good ones though, and let’s face it, there are not many. LOL. Stay tuned!

The Drive-Thru Charmer

I met him at my first high school job in Hawaii, a fast-food joint. He saw me and came back many times over until he gained the courage to ask me out. He was a few years older than me, which I did not mind because I was not fond of high school boys in my school at the time. I was sweet 16 and in L-O-V-E. He was half Japanese and half Mexican, and very cute in my opinion. He said all the right things and did all the sweet things, then one day, a woman out of nowhere appeared. It was the biggest heartbreak of my young life. I gave him a few chances when he asked for my forgiveness, but ultimately, I became apathetic and grew out of the same dynamic, allowing the connection to die out. This was not a good ending, but I am glad it ended. Felt the pain, healed it, and released it. I think this was the beginning of my rinse-and-repeat cycle. LOL. If I had made a bet each time this happened, I’d own that phrase and made millions.

The Italian Job

Present time — Now that I have been enlightened, I feel like the universe grants me a harmonized connection once I let go of the heavy ones, sort of like a reward, but then, I kept repeating the same crap. LOL. Then — Well, this was one of those rewards. He was Italian, handsome, and eight years older than me but very respectful of my energy; I was 18 years old. We hung out when we could and he was always present when he was with me. He took me to the beach on our first date; he went surfing while I sunbathed. It was an easygoing connection that served its purpose and ultimately fizzled out. I never saw him again, but he still crosses my mind at times, and wonder about how life has been for him. Thank you for the Italian job completed. I hope you are well wherever you are now.

Boy, Interrupted

Back in 1999, I found my golden ticket out of Hawaii and my ticket to hell. I could actually kick my ass for even allowing this connection to go farther than it should have, but I did not have the courage since I was suffering from anxious attachment style and codependency, amongst many other subconscious programmings. He had his good moments, but for the most part, this person was deeply disturbed inside, which prompted me to display toxic traits. It amplified my fear of abandonment and all of the above. He was the kind of person who should not have owned a gun. This was a tumultuous relationship. Well, suffice it to say, the connection had to end in whatever shape, way, or form—the universe had enough. He did write me an apology letter for how he had treated me after I left and informed me that he discovered spirituality. Good for him, glad I could help. Karma may have done a number on him, but I also paid for mine. Mission impossible completed. Next!

Hawaii Five-0

On a hot summer day in Hawaii, I stumbled upon a very handsome cop during a fender bender accident; a spectator had called the cops for us and he showed up. Instead of handling the incident, which was not bad, he flirted and asked for my number. He became the catalyst for my previous connection. It got me out of a difficult situation (boy, interrupted) that I could not get myself out of because of my forgiving nature and other self-limiting beliefs. The universe knew it was time to move and so I was sent a lifeline. It was exciting and fun, but the connection was not meant to last, and I tried to hold onto it out of fear regardless of the red flags and signs, but I eventually grew out of the situation and we lost touch. If I saw him again someday, I’d most likely hug him and catch up because I am grateful for the purpose his presence served in my life.

The Canadian Heartthrob

A Canadian affair that started at a design convention in Orlando, Florida, which was not supposed to happen, but the moment felt right. He slipped through the cracks and again, I was in the middle of it before I knew I had begun (a quote from Pride and Prejudice. LOL). He was one of the salespeople at the show and I stopped by to check out what they were selling. He gave me his number and we went on a date. Thinking back, he was the soulmate who needed to fully get me out of the “boy-interrupted” situation because I went back like a dingdong, but things had already fallen apart and we both knew it but were never spoken. This person needed me to realize some things about his life and I needed to meet him to awaken something within me. We served each other’s purpose and that was that.

Mr. Down-to-Earth

A summer fling in Texas once upon a time. He was sweet and we bonded over music, which was a nice change. We watched the sunset, partied, and watched a concert together. We were having fun! Then one day, he was done with me and I cried. One week later, he was with a new girl. Yep. Painful and confusing, I was blindsided. I think I listened to the song “Bleeding Heart” by Leona Lewis a million times after this breakup. After many tearful nights, I eventually healed and moved past it. Again, no animosity toward him because I knew he was a good person inside. The connection was never meant to last, that’s all—it just was hard to see it at the time of the heartbreak. Ultimately, the fog had cleared and I was happy again. Next, please!

The Ghoster

It was Halloween night and we locked eyes. I was with my girlfriend and he was with his friends. I was dressed like a schoolgirl, newly single, and feeling good. We swapped phone numbers. He asked me on a date…and did not hear from him. LOL. I was ghosted. A month had passed and a call came, he was back. We eventually made the date happen and we had some fun times—I even met his parents. I started to sense that he was a good person and he might have been a good match for me, but then, I had to leave for Hawaii for a vacation. Little did I know, saying goodbye to him was also a goodbye to my happy, lit-up self. This was a Poppy-turning-grey moment from the movie “Trolls.” I had just entered a dark portal disguised in luxury and bright shiny things.

The Empath and The Vampire, A Fifteen-Year Saga

It was a romantic meet cute, a girl meeting a doctor on a flight to Hawaii, he pulled out a wad of cash hoping to impress her when part of her felt repulsed by it. She was giddy and friendly and he moved quickly. The show of affection and the lavish lifestyle started pouring in, and I was flattered. Red flags popped here and there, but I was quick to ignore them—I was already trapped in a narcissist’s world. I was becoming someone I never wanted to be, toxic, depleted, angry, egotistic, self-centered, materialistic, the opposite of everything I was. This was all hidden in plain sight, we were the perfect couple everywhere went, but I was dying inside. The red flags never stopped coming and I had given up on letting him know the unfairness in our marriage, oh yes, I married him. I worked on myself and focused on my wifely duty and my children as he continued to focus on himself and his material world. There were positive actions on his part, but those actions were not from the heart. He never liked me questioning him and pointing out things he needed to work on, so things got pushed under the rug for the sake of getting along. He had unconsciously stolen my light and used it to his advantage while I became the opposite. As dramatic as it sounds, this marriage completely broke me down to the ground, mind, body, and soul—I was so lost and could not reach for the self I once knew—I was checked out. I started questioning my existence and the future of our partnership, and perhaps unconsciously wishing to be freed from this toxic dynamic. Suddenly, whatever I had wished for started to manifest and things started changing in the physical world. A lifeline was thrown at me and I freaking took it, and just like that, I dug myself out of the hole; it was no overnight success, to say the least. It felt like I had been swimming against the current for so long and I was just so happy to have met the shore—drenched, tired, wounded, traumatized—but so happy. This was when the rest of the illusions I held onto started to fall away painfully one by one, not just in this relationship, but in all areas of my life. This was only the beginning of a grueling journey, and I had to go it alone. I knew deep down his soul intended to love me, but his human self was too wounded to act upon it, and even though true love was not present in this fifteen-year saga, great little people and memories were created, and lessons were learned. So, I released this timeline with love and forgiveness as I continued with my healing journey.

The Big Catalyst

The limerance-based soulmate that catapulted me to my almost new beginning. No, this was not supposed to last, but I had this strong energetic pull toward this person that I could not understand. I only knew it after I had learned my lessons, which I did, like a champ. I had to learn how to recognize the pattern I was repeating. This was like a Hawaii Five-O scenario repeat. I finally gained some self-respect and released the situation, a small step to self-love, but soon after…(the universe does not like to give breaks. LOL)

The Runner and The Protector

Out of the blue, I felt the urge to learn French and then found Pepe Le Pew, a very affectionate older-not-so-gentlemen—he was always hitting on me. When he realized he did not have a chance with me, he attempted to set me up with his film director friend. I knew it was a bad idea because I was still healing but he was very adamant that I get together with him. It turned out to be a fun date, we had a lot in common and talked until 3 am—I liked him. Two days later, I was told he was moving out-of-state, and that he was sure we would see each other again someday. LOL. The soul connection was so strong that I had a tough time letting go. I have to remind you that I was slowly reconnecting to my spiritual side at this time, so this felt deeper to me on a spiritual level. Months had passed and I realized he disconnected to protect me because he was also going through some things in his personal life that he did not want to drag me into. My empathic nature wanted to help him unconsciously, which was why I kept pushing. So, even though that meeting was short-lived, I respect him for doing what he did. Sometimes, I dream of him when I start to connect with men who are not good for me (like the next one coming up. Eyeroll Emoji). He’s become my protector in the spiritual realm.

The Boy Next Door

The lesson continued with this one of knowing when to set those strong boundaries, much sooner than later. He was a neighbor at the new place I moved into after the big D word. He would always appear at the right time for some reason as if he was purposely trying to be noticed (or as if he was following me). We finally met and I thought he was a nice person, a lot younger than me. We hung out a few times and went for walks, and then things became weird—he wanted me to chase him. I played along for a bit until my intuition guided me to fully disconnect. He tried to reconnect energetically and would pop up here and there, but I had already learned my lessons and leveled up. I took responsibility for my own actions and disappeared into thin air. The big revelation here was distinguishing whose energy is mine and whose energy belongs to others. I was never interested in him, but as a powerful empath, I picked up on his energy and made it mine. I felt all his excitement and his desires. This was when my cut-off game started to gain momentum—finally! I realized that a stronger energetic boundary was what I was lacking. HUGE LESSON LEARNED! But soon after, the universe thought I needed more practice, and so…

(Like I said, the universe is merciless about giving breaks and I was begging for one at this point.LOL)

Meeting Casanova In The Ether, The Final Test

Once, a charming prince snuck through the back door and came into an Empress’ peaceful life unexpectedly. I was already involved in this connection before my human mind could even catch up, but my gosh, we laughed a lot and had more things in common than anyone I had ever met. I matched his wit and sarcasm and we finished each other’s sentences—a highly telepathic bond. It was refreshing to have an effortlessly intellectual banter with another human being. The whole thing moved rather fast, and we started to like each other quite a bit in a short time. This connection was so intense and addictive which sucked as both in like the Bermuda Triangle of love, but intuitively, I knew there was some misalignment on an energetic level as he annoyingly turned back into a frog at some point. My superpowers were at an all-time high now and I could sense through the bullshit from afar. The intuitive ability I had lost during my marriage was now amplified. There were red flags that I might have tried to overlook because of the strong spiritual bond we had. Part of me did not want to let go, but the healed part of me knew I had to—IT WAS A TEST! This was one of those moments when I had to trust that if things were meant to be would be. Finally, something had occurred that left me with no choice but to walk away. My old unhealed self would have stayed and self-sacrificed for the sake of honoring the bond, but since I honored myself instead, I broke the cycle and passed the test—the vicious cycle of overgiving and mastering self-love. Just like everyone else, his wounds were never his fault, but he needed to heal to free himself from the shackles that were holding him back from experiencing the happiness he truly wanted and deserved, I just knew better not to be the bridge for his healing. Thank you, “Colin,” for the good times! You will always have a special place in my heart. Xoxo.

Finally, The End of A Long Toxic Cycle

Now that you’ve met all of my frogs, I can tell you that regardless of how things ended, I hold no animosity toward any of them—I have a clean track record and can prove that to you if you want. LOL. My story might make it seem like I am a heartbreaker, but truly, I (used to) allowed men to break my heart many times over before I broke their hearts, which no one ever admitted. I healed by processing pain and transmuting that pain into power, and no, not the loud and obnoxious power, it’s a power from within. I probably could have shortened the learning process had I not been stubborn, but I am a stubborn soul who loves to learn—and it was just my toxic attachment style and self-sacrificing patterns that kept me glued to the pain longer than needed, thanks, Mom and Dad. With respect, I can’t help but refer to my past connections as assignments from the divine to train me to master the art of discernment, a skill every empath must possess—they received enlightenment and I gained wisdom—it’s a win for all—well, not so much for the ones who had truly done me wrong out of spite, it’s called karma. Clearly, the universe and my soul thought this was the best path for me to heal from anything and everything I needed to break out of internally. While some awaken through other pathways such as accidents, job loss, addictions, etc., I ascended through a series of heartbreaks in love and other relationships. These men were part of a soul contract meant to activate me and break me down so that I could keep rebuilding myself. To achieve the maximum healing benefit, I was forced to do it in silence and isolation, which I found challenging at times—no family, friends, or coaches, and even if I tried, people sort of just fell out of my life by design. I went through such a rapid ascension in such a short time that no one could keep up with the way I was quickly jumping timelines; I had to be okay knowing some people could not come with me to the next level, at least for the time being. This intense healing couldn’t have happened by settling for a “Mr. Rogers.” LOL. We’d just be singing songs, baking pies, and passing those wounds back to the next generation, repeating the same vicious cycle. No, thanks!

Now that I have freed myself from everything that has held me back all these years, I am living the authentic life I was always meant to live whatever that means for me at this moment. I have become the unconditional love I kept searching for externally when that love has always been within me all along—I just needed to kiss many frogs to believe it.

Me Now…

Universe: Put the frog down, Maricel.

Me: Yep. Got it. No questions asked. Thank you! Now what?

Universe: All your hard work will not go in vain, child, you just wait…

Me: Oh, yay! Wait. Are you talking about that carrot you’ve been dangling in my face this whole time?

Thank you so much for reading my story and I wish you well on your journey to self-discovery…

Xoxo, Maricel

as within, so without

It’s simple: cause and effect, what you put out, you get back, and what you work on within yourself will show on the outside — no shortcuts! It is what it is.

I was in my forties when I became unconsciously ready to face the deeper shadows I had been avoiding for years, and I also have an awareness now that it was all divinely timed. I have been presented with the right people and scenarios time and time again to mirror aspects of myself that were not serving my highest good. As difficult as it was, I allowed the pain and darkness to penetrate my soul repeatedly to reignite the light within me, and accepting to be patient with myself became my saving grace. Every variable darkness led to a breakthrough — death and rebirth. Until now, there has been a constant shake-up in my world, whether a person or thing triggers it, these shake-ups appear when a rebalancing in the collective energy is needed; spiritually speaking, it’s a team effort, but processed in silence. Some days are better than others, and some shifts are harder, but I have learned to ride the waves (as I’ve been training long enough) and actually enjoy it because I know there’s always that light (leveling up) at the end, and that trust and inner knowing are what keeps me going on this path.

Negative Patterns I Healed And A Massive Subconscious Reset

The feeling of unworthiness in love and success, fear of abandonment, lack of confidence, egoic mindset, unbalanced feminine and masculine energy, self-deprecating mindset, lack of boundaries, repressed emotions, the feeling of guilt and shame, self-sacrificing tendency, fear-based mentality, codependency, hyper-independence, lack of self-respect and self-love, low self-esteem, lack of creativity, traits of toxic behavior, traits of narcissistic behavior, self-limiting beliefs, anxious attachment style, jealousy, over-compensation, distorted view of self, wounded inner child.

These negative patterns blocked my chakra centers, which then manifested outwardly, affecting my mental and physical health, relationships, quality of life, decision-making process, and basically, my entire universe and the people in it. I easily handed my power to non-deserving individuals because these patterns made me weak, locking myself into timelines that limited my potential. The subconscious reset was contingent on clearing these karmic patterns, the wounds needed to be triggered repeatedly to be felt, healed, and ultimately, released— a process called “the dark night of the soul.” Essentially, everything that the subconscious picked up over time that negatively manifested in the physical was purged out, sort of like squeezing a wet cloth until it’s bone-dry. It sounds painful because it is, which is why many would not dare travel the same path (or they would only go so far), and is also why the same negative cycle gets passed on to the next generation, and so forth.

How The Inner Healing Manifested In The Physical And A Raise In Vibration

After doing much inner work, my heart and mind became coherent creating a framework for the true self to emerge and stabilize, reversing all negative patterns and belief systems which ultimately raised my vibration. The purified version of myself now has unblocked chakra centers, inner peace, a strong sense of discernment, a strong sense of boundary, a strong sense of self, balanced feminine and masculine energies, stronger senses, a brighter aura, a healthier body and mind, deep self-trust, inner confidence, acceptance of the body’s need to rest (a form of self-love), healthy independence, authenticity, unbothered-ness, resilience, contentment, return of creativity, open-heartedness, self-control, balanced emotions, a deep sense of freedom and abundant mentality, and so on. This is an ongoing healing process, and so growth and expansion are limitless and non-linear. It’s a path my soul promised to commit to until the end of time. For now, I am just happy and content no matter the situation. Everything looks brighter and every experience is amplified—I’m good with that.

Maintaining this high level of consciousness and vibration requires protecting the sacred energy and journey by strictly surrounding one’s self with like-minded individuals who provide equal energetic reciprocity, performing grounding and energy-clearing rituals, and engaging in activities that light the soul. Currently, the ratio between the heavy dense energy the world carries and the high vibrational energy is detrimentally unbalanced and has been for some time. Collectively, the highly enlightened and awakened help raise this low vibrational energy that surrounds us, and it is done so in the ether. Many are called to rise above, but only a few survive the journey of becoming the spiritual being of love.